I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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