My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Randomize
