Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
