if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
