Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
