Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
