I can tuck mytits in my pants
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
