You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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