Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
