come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
