walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
