Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
