apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
