You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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