I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
