I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
