i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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