were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
