I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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