bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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