brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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