seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
