Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
