He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
