yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
