seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
