i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
