No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
