i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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