and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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