Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
someone owes me an orgasm
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
