did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
