She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
