you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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