And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
