just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
