My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
