Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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