ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
