fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize