im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
