haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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