I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
