i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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