i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
