I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
