I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
