And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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