genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
