Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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