I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
