It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
