last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
